Break-up Letter

I think it’s time to admit that I have been in a troubled relationship for a very long time.

With Fear.

But it was a toxic relationship. Fear kept me awake some nights, tears on my face and soaking my pillows. Some nights, Fear filled my mind with lies to cling to, drawing me closer into its web. Playing on the insecurities I had in myself, I only believed what was presented before me by fear.

By day,  Fear had me present a falsely confident image, using my perfectionism and achievements to mask the abuse I was enduring. Beating myself whenever I felt I had failed myself and therefore failed the world, I hid my truth. I continued to swallow lies like pills, poisoning my mind and my body.

Fear always left me alone; closed from the world, broken, hurt, bitter, angry. I spent days, weeks, months arguing and fighting, only to be backed into a corner one more time, eyes shut against its brash angry face laughing, spitting, burning before me. Fear was controlling and abusive, but it was all that I knew. Even when I had few moments to escape its shadow, it was only a moment to shine in the spotlight before Fear shut the lights out and beat me up in the dark about the very things that I did wrong, pointing out more flaws than I knew to count.

But then, one day, someone introduced me to a new friend, someone I had heard about, but was finally meeting for the first time.

Faith.

Faith presented a new world to me; that I was better than what Fear made me believe I was. That I had a freedom extended toward me to be the person that I was always called to be. That I was created to do great things; that my gifts could actually make a difference in the world around me and I could walk in confidence that I was handsome, talented and gifted.

I was torn; I wanted to believe that I could do it. But Fear had such a hold over my mind and my heart that I could feel fear’s icy-cold fingers clutching my heart and whisper more lies into my heart. But deep inside, a warrior was awaken and I fought to escape.

For several years, I engaged in an affair; spending the days with Faith, but crawling back to Fear in shame and defeat by night. Soon, it was too much to balance the two separate lives and, for awhile, Fear become prominent in my life again. But, Faith was always there, calling to me, beckoning to me. Hysterical with worry over Fear, I ignored Faith with everything that I could.

But I couldn’t ignore what I had learned from Faith. Faith’s lessons were so soaked into my heart, that moments would occur when it spilled out, like a bubbling pot of water on the stove, splashing into my life. It encouraged me, gave me positive words that my drowning heart clung to like a lifesaver.

At last, I was ready. I knew I could do it. I broke up with Fear.

I felt so free! I wanted to run and jump and sing and dance and fly. I smiled all day; I had been reborn and was breathing for the first time in my life. The world was so much more clear. Faith had my hand.

But not my heart…not yet.

Of course, Fear came knocking and calling for a few months following the breakup, whimpering, whispering the same lies in a withering voice, but I simply shut the door, replying and replaying the comforting words Faith had told me over and over again.

But one day, I reached a rather vulnerable moment. I had not kept in constant contact with Faith and Fear slipped in, disguised as Faith. Fooled, confused and in deep need of comfort, I welcomed Fear back in. For a while, I remained close to Fear disguised as Faith, until real Faith stepped in.

I was shocked and hurt; Fear had come back into my life and caused me to revert to my old ways! My life was changed for the worse. I was broken. Surely, after what I had done, Faith would not take me back! Fear had won!

Faith, however, ensured me that it would not leave me; in fact, it rewarded me beyond what I deserved – just for returning.

So, with that, I turned my back to Fear and returned to Faith.

I’d like to say that Faith and I lived happily ever after, but of course, like the Big Bad Wolf in The Three Little Pigs, Fear is always creeping around, sniffing at the door. But, with Faith by my side, I’m stronger than Fear, able to, with Faith’s power, to overcome.

So Fear, if you see this, please know that I have moved on. By telling the world the truth about you, I can finally stand upon what I knew is mine and leave you far behind.

I don’t wish you well!

To be a Friend..One Must Answer their Phone

Since I have moved to my new apartment to continue to advance my career, I have found myself working to find the balance in my life again that I need to continue to drive forward.

I’ll admit that it is not the easiest thing to do. At times, I struggle to figure out which direction to go. My schedule may seem overwhelming at certain points, but I’m learning to work my way through it.

However, in my new life, learning especially how to stay connected to people I love and care about, God has revealed something that I didn’t know was still an issue deeply rooted deep inside of my heart; a bitterness that stems from loneliness.

Most evenings, I am not home until after sunset (which is a shame, because my patio faces the sunset and it is beautiful to watch the sun winking over the treetops). But on the rare occasion where I actually can get home before the sun goes down, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m tired usually from working all day and don’t wanna really do anything work and business related. I often wish I had someone I could talk to.

Now, before you say anything, this is not a “I’m lonely and wish I had a girlfriend and I’m bitter because I’m alone” post, but more of a “I’m a little sad to be so far away from people” post.

Anyway, I usually find myself returning to social media every few minutes to see what my friends might be doing. Often, I see them traveling, spending time with each other, doing all sorts of things. And a part of me feels a bitterness because no one bothers to see if I am interested in going…even those that are in my own neighborhood up here!

No text messages, no phone calls, no nothing…I’m alone!

But then, one day at lunch, while pouring out my heart and emotions out to God, I asked, “God, remove the anger and bitterness I have over my friends that have forgotten me and don’t even bother to text me.”

The response I got was most surprising; God revealed to me that I was being selfish and ungrateful! How dare I forget about those that DO text me from time to time to say hello, those random phone calls from people who desire just to hear my voice? And in the same breath, do I reach back out? How can I expect people to want to be around me if I am closed off? If I say distance does not matter to me, am I proving that point?

It was a shock when it hit me that way, but God was right (of course, He is always right). So many times, people cross my mind and heart and I tell myself “I’ll text them later.” or I’ll see someone and say “Oh let’s link up soon over breakfast or lunch.” But weeks stretch into months and I linger around, bored and bitter.

My bitterness stems from myself. I choose to isolate myself. How often have people said they WANT to hang out, yet I never respond to them, yet get mad when, during my bored moments, they take longer than 5 minutes to return a text? I’m a hypocrite to myself. It’s something that I need to work on just a little bit more and a little bit better.

God is still working on my heart and healing the raw parts, but I think it’s about time that I pick my phone back up. I mean, I’m usually just sitting around anyway. I think I can spare 5 minutes to say hello and catch up over a cup of coffee…or some chai latte…a light Sunday’s brunch at KeKe’s.

Anyone care to join me?