Did you ever watch the Disney classic “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” as a child? Or an adult?
That movie actually gave me nightmares when I was young, because of that one scene where the Evil Queen made that potion that transformed her into the old wicked hag. I don’t know why, but watching that did something to me. But that’s besides the point…
I’m pretty sure, even if you never watched the film, you are at least aware of the iconic scene where the Evil Queen walks up to her mirror and asks, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?” And I’ll bet every little girl growing up did the same to their mirrors at home, hoping for the same response.
But how many of us, even into adulthood, are still looking into our mirrors, asking similar questions? I know I am. I may not be asking if I’m the fairest one, but I am hoping to hold on to certain images and attributes of myself, even if they are not physical.
Not too long ago, I sat down and began writing out some of the most common personality traits that people say about me. A few came to mind: Creative. Smart. Polite. Flexible. Funny. Kind. Faithful.
Then, I wrote one without thinking that I’ve heard said about me a lot: Outgoing.
Almost immediately, I erased it, saying to myself, “Nah, I’m not outgoing. I’m too shy and quiet and awkward.” Now, to an extent, that seems to be true, especially when I am in a new setting or a big social scene. I do believe that a part of me is an introvert; after certain amount of time in a social, public scene, my battery dies and I’m ready to be alone again.
I kept writing and I scribbled another attribute: Amazing singer. I quickly scratched out “amazing” and wrote “really good” before I scratched that out and wrote “good” before I finally settled on “decent/ok,” justifying to myself the whole time that I wasn’t as good as I thought in my own head, that I was more created with a voice like a really good, strong background singer and that’s it.
Do you see where I am going with this? I was asking my internal mirror “Who am I?” but I wasn’t pleased with the answers. Like the Evil Queen was upset when the answer of “Snow White” meant that what she was used to hearing was now gone, I wasn’t ready to hear a different answer from what I was used to hearing.
All my life, I grew up with a certain mindset, a certain view, a certain perspective of myself. And because I never had anything to counteract some of my own viewpoints, I learned to live with those mindsets. Anything that didn’t match what I was used to seeing or hearing, in my mind, was incorrect. Even when people send me certain encouraging text messages or letters, my natural instinct is to think, “Did they send this to the wrong person? This couldn’t have been meant for me.”
There is a song called Scared of Beautiful by Brandy (who is one of my top favorite female vocalists) that really speaks to that fear of breaking free of those strongholds in my mind. Listen to the lyrics; that’s me. Maybe not using the word “beautiful” but the idea of being more than what I believed I was at the moment.
Remember when the Queen heard an answer she didn’t want to hear? She went to great lengths to rectify the situation. She was willing to even kill Snow White to get things back to how she wanted them to be.
I may not have killed anyone, but I’ve been slowly killing my own soul.
See, out of all the attributes I have heard about myself, there is one that I hear that, perhaps, I have taken a little too far in my head and heart; Strong.
People will call me “strong man of God” or tell me that they see the strength in me. But I have had my own vision and idea of what being “strong” means; a stereotypical idea that means I can show no weakness, no flaws, that I have to be able to solve everything on my own. And something in me liked believing that I could be that strong person. Especially because I was surrounded by so many strong men, something in my head clicked that these men of God never struggled with worry, fear, insecurities and stress. That they never had anxiety attacks so extreme that they are paralyzed with the fear it leaves behind. That they don’t lay awake for hours at a time, fighting tears, because they are worried how everything will work out. That they don’t become weak and feel as though they have no strength or energy left, because they feel like they are attacked on all sides, yet have to hitch a fake smile on their face and keep it moving.
But in the process of striving to be “strong” I began killing myself slowly. Emotionally, I was burying my emotions deep below in order to move forward as a “strong” man of God. I was ignoring my own physical needs for rest and peace. I wouldn’t admit when I was weak or when I needed help. With each day, I was approaching the edge of a cliff.
Now, like the Evil Queen, all of my pride and stubbornness has caught up with me. When she found herself at the edge of that cliff and tried that last desperate measure to kill the dwarfs, that lightning struck and she pummeled to her death.
My emotions struck me like lightning and I crashed, buckled beneath the weight that I was trying to carry.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30
This Bible passage is so familiar to me; I must have heard it a million times in my life. But, I have been avoiding this verse for quite some time now. This verse reminded me that this was my moment when the mirror told me that I was not the strongest, but that Jesus was. And a part of me didn’t want to hear that, tried to tell the mirror it was wrong, that I was the strongest of all and that I could handle it all on my own.
But I’m not that strong. I never was. I don’t even think I was designed to be as strong as I’ve been trying to be for months. I need to lean on God and break free of the strongholds that I have placed upon myself. I don’t want to fall off the cliff, trying so hard to strive for something is elusive for me.
Where do I go from here though? What does the next step look like for me? Should I just accept what my internal mirror has been telling me? If it lines with the truth of God’s Word, then yes.
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10
My mirror should reflect what God says about me; one of His greatest creations, crafted and designed for specific work and specific tasks and abilities. He has made me strong, but I am not the ultimate source of my strength. I am outgoing, because He designed me to use that to reach out to people. I am a talented singer, because I have songs and music in me that only I can sing/write.
They say the graveyard is the richest place on earth because of all the untapped potential that ends up there. Imagine if the Evil Queen had not been so focused on maintaining the image of being “fairest of all” and actually was doing something for the kingdom. Imagine if I stop trying to be “strongest of all” and actually focused instead of letting God use me to impact His Kingdom? Imagine if I saw myself the way He saw me and walked in that purpose?
There is a song that I encourage you to listen to called “The Way You See Me” by James Fortune. There’s a YouTube video of someone dancing to the song (that was the best I could find, but I bought the CD…maybe you know another way), but just listen to the lyrics. That’s my past story, but I don’t want that to be the end of my story. I want to see myself the same way God does. When I look into my mirror and ask, “Mirror, mirror…” I want the response to be a reflection of who God says I am.
That’s my prayer.
The Book of James 