“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17
Is this what freedom tastes like? I think I have had a small sample of freedom, and it’s quite delicious!
Let me explain…
Recently, my church went through a four week series on Fear. Each week, he discussed a different form of fear that people commonly deal with. He talked about:
- Fear of Failure
- Fear of Rejection
- Fear of Intimacy
- Fear of Losing Control
Now, let me tell you, this was a little bit nervous about hearing this sermon series, because fear is something that I have always struggled with. And at times, it can be extreme, manifesting in anxiety attacks that render me speechless. And it’s something that I constantly find myself praying against. It had become almost a daily prayer for me.
What was I scared of? I was scared of being my best me, because I didn’t know what my best me looked like. I had spent so long doing as I was told, drifting through life until someone pointed me in the direction that they thought was best for me. Scared of breaking outside the box that I was always in. Scared of trying anything new and messing up. Scared of no longer being “the perfect person,” the one that was always in control. Afraid of people laughing at my mistakes and pointing out my flaws.
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Before the sermon series began, I had been praying for a change. Not just with my physical life, but my emotional and spiritual life too.
People say that God’s plans are better than our plans. I’ll add that His plans are multi-layered, with us only seeing one layer at a time.
If you have been following me, you may remember that I recently have changed jobs. And I’m currently in the process of moving back to Orlando, which is where I want to be. I can tell you that I was so excited to be back in a city that I loved, an active city with plenty of opportunities to be connected, to be closer to my church family and friends, start a new job and even work to go back to graduate school.
But, I never considered that there was more to my move back to Orlando than my own interests. It never even crossed my mind that me moving back was going to invoke a new level of growth.
I’ve talked about my church family a lot and how connected I was, but there was still a part of me that still was too scared to get too close to them. Yet, I knew I couldn’t keep them at arm’s length forever, especially since I was so involved and was now moving closer.
It was scary to realize it though all at once though, especially as we went through the sermon series. Especially when my pastor spoke about the fear of intimacy (my immature mind thought it meant sex, and who is afraid of sex?) and I realized that I was scared of being close and being hurt again.
But now it was happening. Especially among the male leadership. It seemed like suddenly, I was on all their radars and I couldn’t escape. All of them had their eyes on me and wanted to connect and walk with me. Not just to be friends, but to really grow me and break free of the fear that I had spent years living behind.
Can I tell you though? These guys now pushing me are not afraid of pushing me hard! They are challenging me like I’ve never been challenged before; pushing me out of my comfort zone every chance they get, making me question my own fears and justifications for those fears. And I try to push back because I’m that scared. But it doesn’t work when you know that they are also praying to God and He is pushing against your pushback with them.
So, it comes down to a choice. They are walking with me, but now I’m at the crossroads. The big question is: will I continue to walk in fear, or will I walk in faith?
Well, I know if I’m going to keep walking with these strong men of God, I can’t keep walking in fear (because they won’t let me).
- So this is my response to the fear of intimacy: walking with people in deeper community, being transparent and open to having people in my life.
- It is also my response to the fear of rejection: connecting with people who care about me for who I am, not who they think I am.
Now comes the next part; overcoming the fear of losing control and failure.
I’ve expressed before that I can be a perfectionist. Perfectionists like to control everything that they can. In my case, if I’m involved or have any knowledge, and any part of it goes wrong, big or small, I feel as if I have failed and let people down. I don’t even like to think of myself as a human, flawed and prone to mistakes. I try to maintain a perfect life, and look like I have everything together at all times. Especially because a lot of people lean on me for advice and strength and comfort and encouragement.
And that makes it harder for me to admit that I get weak, that I make mistakes, that I need help from time to time. Because I feel like I can’t let people down.
That’s going to change now; I’m walking into a new season, where I’m starting to become more confident in my flaws, because I’m learning that it’s my flaws that reveal the true me; the me that God designed me to be. Step by step.
I’m walking into my freedom from the fear of losing control and rejection.
The Book of James 