I HATE MOVING!!!
(I don’t think anybody likes moving, but if there is that ONE person who enjoys the process, especially packing, please call me; I will feed you if you will pack up my apartment for me!)
The thing about moving is you never realize how much JUNK you have. Some of the stuff is important, like furniture and kitchenware and things like that. But as you start packing and unpacking and repacking, you discover that you have so much that you don’t need with you still following you around. Like, really, why do I still need to keep my Algebra 2 notebook? I hate math and I don’t use that material anyway! And what’s the purpose of those raggedy t-shirts that are so faded, I can’t even read the words anymore? They’re a size too small anyway; my chest and shoulders are too broad to fit them anymore! Yet for some reason, I keep packing them up, stuffing them at the bottom of my boxes and bags to drag to the next place.
Don’t we do the same with life?
“I’m packing up my yesterdays/and I won’t look back, won’t look back/come too far for all of that/won’t look back, won’t look back/I know I gotta stay on track…” New Life Intro-Monica
I move back to Orlando this weekend (cue panic attack and frantic packing with “The Bumblebee” in the background), so the past month or so has been very hectic, balancing my regular life with packing.
It’s interesting to see all of the things that I have kept over the years and carried from one place to another; items dating back as far as middle school still have found a way in my life. Now granted, some things are priceless and I can’t get rid of them, but a lot of it really has no reason to keep going with me (again, see the examples above – they are real life examples!) And yet, a part of me cannot bear to part with them.
How often do we do the same thing in our personal and spiritual lives? How many times do we move from one season to another, one situation to another, carrying the same junk and baggage with us and wonder why we feel weighed down and cluttered? We shove it into the corner until somehow it gets dusted off, then we try to justify why we carry it and still need it!
Sounds crazy? We all do it, though. At least I do.
As I’ve been packing and preparing to move, I’ve really had to downsize and purge a lot of my junk. Especially because I’m moving in with a roommate; we don’t have the space for all of the extra stuff! Only what is important and beneficial can go with me, which means saying goodbye to those things that don’t have a place or fill a need in my life.
Has it been hard? Yes; I didn’t realize how much junk I’ve been carrying with me over the years, simply pushing it to the back of the closet, the bottom of the box, under the bed, in the dark corners of the room, gathering dust, filling up space. And even now, as I pull it out and dust it off, I try to justify why I still need it.
As I am purging material things in my apartment, I am also purging things that I’ve been holding on in my heart; suppressed memories, hurt, anger, bitterness, pain, unforgiveness, brokenness…things that I had, for years, tried to deny about myself.
A couple of weeks ago, I shared a story about a painful experience with some friends. Two days later, as I was driving home, I suddenly felt tears in my eyes and my throat felt raw and exposed, as if burned by fire. I had to stop the car because I couldn’t figure out why I suddenly was crying. I thought it might have been stress from moving and packing and everything. But then I realized that I was crying because I had broken my silence about a painful experience and was experiencing the start of healing in my heart; a healing that I didn’t know I needed. And that there was much more than needed to be done in me.
Now, I have to continue to purge all of that; everything that I’ve been holding in my heart and mind that has held me back. Because where I am going, I can’t carry it with me.
There is a plus side to this; as you get rid of the old, you can make way for the new. And who doesn’t like new things.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17
I’ve experienced new life and I’ve experienced freedom. I’ve gotten a sneak peak of where God can take me, if I leave behind the old junk.
There is a song called “Worth” by Anthony Brown that has been one of my favorite songs for the past few years. The lyrics are simple, yet powerful when you sit back and think about it. I fell in love with the song the very first time I heard it and everyone around me knew it. The song was literally my testimony put to music. And now it has an even more special place in my heart…because I was blessed with the opportunity to lead it during praise and worship on July 9 at Orlando World Outreach Center. (And it was recorded, so you can view the link to that service here. You may get so caught up you’ll watch the whole service.)
Now, this may be a shock, especially if you know me personally, but out of all the years that I have been singing publicly, leading songs and whatnot, this was the FIRST time that I got up to sing/lead a song ANYWHERE and was NOT SCARED!!! And it was very evident to people, especially those who have sung with me for a few years. To stand in the confidence that only God can provide and let Him use me to serve His people, and to see how much He moved and touched them (I mean, literally watching people dance in the aisle and praise God with all that is within them) was so impactful, yet mind-blowing to consider that I had a major part in that.
But to get to that point, I’ve had to do a lot of unpacking old mindsets, old habits, old thoughts, old ways of life, old memories of past mistakes. Because I had to realize that I was better than I thought of myself, that the low view of my own heart and life is not how God sees me. After all, He died just so I could live free, so how can I exchange His sacrifice for anything less than the best?
While I’ve been packing and unpacking my apartment alone, I haven’t been doing the same with my heart in this season. The word “discipleship” was so foreign to me in the past, but now, I have a greater understanding of what the process and how it’s really suppose to work. I am currently being discipled and, yes, it’s been tough and I have resisted some moments, but I’ve also seen the growth in my own life. And there will be continued growth I know, but a big part of the story will come from me unpacking my past.
Now, it’s one thing to unpack it, but here’s the kicker: am I going to continue to pack it away again, carrying it with me and allow it to take up space in my life, or will I finally let it go?
Sometimes, letting go can be tough; there were a few items that I struggled to release and it pained me to see it in the trashcan. But, when you realize how much you DON’T need something in your life, the easier it is to toss it aside and never look back. And that’s where I want/need to be in my life; tossing aside so much emotional baggage that I can walk forward.
There is only so much room in the moving truck and in the storage unit and my new apartment; everything can’t come with me. In the same breath, there is only so much room in my mind and heart and soul. It’s time to really do some serious cleaning and throwing out.
And have you ever noticed how much more room you seem to have after you clean and clear everything? It’s like you can breathe again. You have the space to move around and focus. Life can flourish. Peace can settle. Joy can shine through. Love can move in.
That’s what I want. So I gotta pack up my yesterdays, the person that I was, the pain and hurt and brokenness that I’ve experienced and walked through all my life, and prepare to move into the space that God has created for me to live the way He designed for me to live in, fruitful and abundantly. And it’s time for me to walk out the door…
The Book of James 