As the year ends and the holidays approach, everyone is taking a moment to sit back and reflect on what has taken place in their own lives in 2017.
For me, 2017 has been a year of pruning and growth, changes and transition, particularly from childhood to adulthood.
Now, granted, I’ve been an adult for years and I’ve done adult things, like living on my own and paying bills (I’m convinced that rent is not from God, but the devil!) and learning how to balance professional and personal pursuits. But this year, I’ve really been forced to sit down and take inventory of myself and everything that I’ve done so far and everything that I want to pursue.
This month marks four years since I’ve graduated college and I can say that I have accomplished some great things; I established myself as a stellar writer/journalist, even winning awards while developing my career and marketing myself as a talented writer among my friends and family (who now often ask me to review their work). I also grew and become (somewhat unintentionally) a strong leader in my church community as a member of our worship team, as well as becoming a powerful prayer warrior.
But I knew there was more for me, more than I wanted.
I have grown and transitioned in a lot of ways this past year. I realized that I wanted a little more from my own life. And that’s not a bad thing. We should all want more out of life. We should all desire to constantly grow and improve ourselves. We should want to become better individuals, so we can be better people in society.
For me, that journey began following the presidential inauguration. Realizing how many people in my community were supporters of the incoming president, who was known for his comments regarding minorities such as myself, I began to question how safe I was and how, more than ever, my voice was important in a bigger conversation. Especially for those who would not be able to find their own voices. I began to question how I could better serve those in need through my words.
This lead me to do some soul searching in the spring and come to the conclusion that I had, not only a gift for words, but with food and community service/philanthropic efforts. And that I could combine the three to work in the nonprofit sector. So, I decided that I was going to return to school and earn a master’s degree to help me get into the world of nonprofit management. Three and a half years as the charitable giving reporter had given me surface knowledge, but I knew I needed to dive deeper.
So, I started my research into online public administration programs (I planned to still work full-time at the newspaper through the process). In my research, I discovered that the University of Central Florida – the same college that I graduated from just three years ago (at that time) – had a dual master’s degree program online for nonprofit management and public administration. My heart was filled and I knew this was what I wanted. So I began to pray and prepare, asking God to make a way.
And boy did God open a door – a job opened up in the College of Health and Public Affairs at UCF – the very college where I could get the degree..and as an employee of the university, I could go to school part-time for free. Now, looking at the qualifications for the job, I wasn’t sure that I was the right person, but my friends and family encouraged me to apply (what’s the harm in TRYING?) and I finally hit submit at the beginning of March. By the end of the month, I had been hired – I was moving back to Orlando; closer to friends and family and my church family.
That summer was a tough transition period for me; balancing a new job with the understanding that I still wasn’t fully moved back to Orlando. I was searching for an apartment, trying to pack and prepare to move, and much more. And in the midst of it all, I was reconnected with a guy from college (who is now the children’s pastor at my church) who was taking me under his wings and actually investing in my general well-being and growth, watching out for my best interest, challenging me to grow out of childhood and into full adulthood and manhood.
The journey was not easy; I resisted, I struggled, I fought a little bit, but I pushed through. I began to take a chance to invest in myself, to take care of myself and organize my life and priorities because I wanted to do it for me, not for anyone else. I began to take my health seriously and got a personal trainer; I actually swallowed my pride and fear and went to the doctor and the dentist to get myself together; I began to take better care of my hair and body; I began to change my sense of style, abandoning the flashy, baggy clothes for fitted, polished, professional, mature attire (and putting away the giant, flashy cross chain that I’ve always been known for wearing…the funeral is scheduled for next year).
Throughout the year, even on my social media sites, I would often include certain hashtags of my journey: #TheSearchForMe, #TheProject #IAmBecauseGodIs #IAmBecauseHeIs #NoMoreBabyBoy #ManOfGod are just a few that I used in my photos on Instagram and Facebook. They weren’t just random hashtags, but they accompanied those photos that were taken at certain turning points in my life.
Has the journey been tough? Oh yeah. Have I struggled? That’s a guarantee. Have I had some pitfalls? Sure have. Have I wanted to give up? Several times. Have I stumbled? Over and over again. BUT HAS IT BEEN WORTH IT??? YES!!!
I stand a much stronger person. I’m more confident in what I see in the mirror. I’ve begun to learn how to navigate through some of the deeper parts of adulthood and manhood. I’ve begun to connect with people (especially men) on a deeper level than before. I’ve learned more about my talents, my skills and my passions.
Even moving back to Orlando, learning how to reach out to other guys for help, living with a roommate and learning how to connect with people again (there is a big difference between connecting with someone on social media or through a text versus in person and a very major difference in dealing with someone as a project versus a person), being back in the midst of activity, has taught a lot about myself; things that I, at one time, felt shamed and embarrassed about that I’ve come to learn make up my personality.
Like the fact that I really am a homebody and an introvert (some people will argue that I’m a social moth, but in all honesty, I have no problem with rushing straight home from work to throw on my sweatpants and watch TV versus always going out…I need balance). And learning how to say NO (Lord, that has always been a struggle). And learning how to solve my own problems instead of always expecting someone else to solve them. And discovering some of the things that I want, and that it’s ok to want more (I still want my house by 2020, so I can host Thanksgiving). And that, sometimes, I have to do what is best/beneficial/important for me, regardless how other people may feel about it. And making the difficult decisions in life and having to stand firm as a man behind my choices, my decisions, my commitments.
Granted, there are still areas that I need to grow in, and I’m willing to put in work to grow. As 2017 ends and I enter 2018, I’m starting new adventures with graduate school and improving my craft as a writer and singer, growing and developing as an adult and a man. While I am excited, I am also nervous to know that I’m taking on some things so big. But I know that God hasn’t taken me through the pruning process this past year to leave me to wither and die. I am planted, I am rooted, and now, the time has come for me to flourish and grow!
The Book of James 