When I was younger (like middle school/early high school), I used to always sneak into the garage and play on my dad’s crutches, pretending I had a broken leg. I would imagine what life would be like if I really had a broken leg, needing extra help to get around and being catered to. Of course, that never happened physically.
A part of my life, though, I have been limping on an emotional and spiritual crutch. A crutch that became such a part of my life, that even when I say I’ve dropped it, I run back to it because it’s a sense of identity and security, despite it being a high level of discomfort.
What is this crutch you ask?
My past…
I Can Overcome…
Everyone has a story, everyone has a past, everyone has gone through some things in their life that they wish they could forget about. For some people though, they don’t want to forget about it, because it means having to become someone they have never seen or been before.
Before I truly gave my life to Christ in college, I never really gave much thought to some of the things in my past. I had learned to suppress and hide my thoughts, emotions and struggles, especially because people always saw me as “the strong one.” But after I committed myself to God, it seemed that my past was always rearing its ugly head, like a fierce dragon, a monster that I couldn’t fight on my own. Of course, no one told me that I had to fight on my own; in fact, I wasn’t suppose to fight at all!
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NLT)
Jesus said that He already overcame, and that if I was in Him, I overcame.
But can I be honest; for the first few years of my faith, that was the hardest truth for me to believe.
I struggled for years like a baby Christian, not even believing that I was saved, redeemed, loved and forgiven, because I was trying so hard to be perfect, so my checkered past could be forgotten. Every time I messed up, I would think that I was unworthy of God’s love and that I needed to be saved again, that I wasn’t a real Christian because I kept messing up. I even began to learn to hate the fact that I was human, because I wanted to be perfect and accepted. When I thought back to the people who did me wrong, and the people I did wrong, the bad decisions and sins I committed, the memories that can’t be erased that leave me in tears or with a bitter seed in my heart and mind, it convinced me that I was too far gone for God to love and forgive.
“For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” Romans 3:23 (NLT)
Thankfully, I’ve grown and matured in my faith to a place where I understand that I’m human, that I’m going to make mistakes and fall because that is who I am. And God knows that and He still loves me! Isn’t that amazing!? The God of the universe still loves me, wants to be with me, wants to be close to me, even in my flaws, mistakes and imperfections! And more than that, He has a vision and a dream for my life bigger than what I can envision.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
So if this is what God has for me, to move me forward toward my greatest good, what does the enemy have to use in order to stop me?
My past…
Playing the Victim and Seeking Attention
One of my favorite cartoons as a kid was Hey Arnold. A football-headed kid from an inner-city, going through typical day-to-day adventures with his friends and family. I could totally relate to many of the characters for various reasons, and sometimes, certain episodes hit me more than others because of the story line and the struggle within.
There is one episode entitled “Phoebe Breaks A Leg” that fits in perfectly with this topic. Phoebe was Helga’s best friend, but Helga treated her more like a servant and didn’t really pay attention to her as a person, an individual, or a real friend. She was always around, but never considered and given any attention. But in this particular episode, Phoebe, while running errands for Helga, is hit by a car and breaks her leg. Put in a cast and wheelchair-bound, Phoebe is surprised when Helga, consumed by guilt for her role in the accident, devotes all her time and energy to serving Phoebe and paying extra attention to her. Halfway through the episode, Phoebe’s leg is healed, but instead of embracing her healing, she decides to continue wearing the cast, to keep making Helga serve her and feel sorry for her. But after some time, the cast becomes a burden for her and other people find the truth out and call her out on it, making Phoebe feel guilty about her own reliance on the cast. At the end, she casts it aside…just in time to save Helga’s life!
How does this apply to me? I’m Phoebe, Helga represents the people around me in my life, my cast is my past.
“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” II Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)
Even though I have been saved and redeemed, some part of me wants to remain stuck on my past and playing the victim, just like Phoebe did after the doctor told her that she was healed. She chose to live as though she was still restricted by her cast, instead of walking upright in freedom. She chose to continue to let what happened define her, because she wanted that attention, instead of changing how her life would be after her healing.
I’ve been there and, in certain ways, I’m still there. I continue to let my past define me. I can’t tell how how often I refer to what I’ve been through as the template for life, holding on like a crutch to keep myself upright. If I don’t stand on my past, what do I stand on?
God has been working furiously to shake my foundations, to break the walls in my life, so I can build my life on something better; His love and promises for me. But my flesh has been working hard to keep rebuilding my life on the past. Every time I take a step forward, my flesh, like an ugly dragon, rears up and does everything to pull me back by reminding me of who I used to be, blinding me from the truth of who God has called me to be. Even the people around me see that something in me keeps holding me back. I have moments where I step forward, but then, something in me gets afraid and I go back to my past, to what was comfortable, or what I perceived as comfortable. Even Phoebe, halfway through the show, realized how awkward it was to be healed and broken at the same time, and realized that she didn’t like living two lives. She had to make a choice. And so do I.
Putting My Crutches Away
Am I saying that I’ll never have flashbacks or look back at where I’ve come from? No; I’ll always remember who I was. But I don’t have to live like who I was.
When Phoebe took off her cast, she was free enough to tell Helga how she felt and Helga promised that their relationship would change (how much it changed, I can’t say, but that’s beside the point). Even more importantly, when Phoebe took off her cast, she was able to save Helga’s life because she was free to move.
There are people around me who need me to help them, to walk with them, to change and save their lives. But I can’t do that still walking around, limping from my past. If I’ve been healed, why am I still holding on to my past like a crutch? Why do I continue to limp, even though it hurts me even more than if I walked upright, straight forward and confidently healed? And how can I be of help to anyone if I’m going to remain stuck in my past?
Again, I’ll stumble and fall, but I’ll keep walking forward. I won’t let what I’ve been through define me anymore, but instead, it will push me toward what God has for me to become.
The Book of James 