Did you start singing the song in your head? If you are a 90s kid like I am, and a lover of R&B music like me, you know the song. We all know the song. We remember Brandy with the rope braids, with the 90s hit that was part of the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack, talking about how she was going crazy, thinking about someone she cared about while sitting in her room. I feel like every girl in the 90s at some point had a “Sittin Up in My Room” moment.
Now, the entire world is sitting up in their rooms.
There’s no getting around it; all of us have been impacted by the Coronavirus, or COVID-19, no matter where we live. In my lifetime, I have never experienced a pandemic and it’s been a nerve-wrecking experience to say the least.
When I first heard about it, I thought it was just a glorified cough or a more serious bout of the flu. But as it became more and more serious, I started doing my research to see what exactly was happening. Suddenly, toilet paper was in short supply, malls and casual shopping stores began to close, I was instructed to work from home for an extended period of time from UCF, church was moved to online services and my life stopped. And when I say stopped, I mean STOPPED. Other than going to Publix (and occasionally Target) to get groceries, I literally sat in my apartment for a month straight.
Now, I’ll admit, the first few days was nice; waking up when the sun naturally rose at about 8 a.m., rolling over and logging into a computer to work from while still in my pajamas, watching Netflix and Hulu shows, catching up with my Watch List, snacking and cooking … it was like a vacation in the beginning.
But as we all know, the honeymoon stage ends and by the end of the first week, I was bored with the four walls of my own apartment. By the end of the first month at home, I was miserable and about to go crazy. I was missing people so badly, I was about to go insane. I longed to be around one other human being, to know that there was other people breathing. I wanted to go somewhere and look at something besides my own walls, void of any decoration or artwork. Days began to bleed into each other and I was left in a fog, confused if it was Tuesday or Saturday. For me, it was tough having my world stop for so long; I’m not used to sitting home and sitting still for so long. I always have something to do, somewhere to go and now … nothing. And I was going crazy.
After Easter, which marked approximately one month working from home, I began to spend more time praying for God to keep my mind (now I know what the Saints of Old meant by “He’s a mind-regulator”). Now, nearing the end of two months being home, I feel like I am coming out of the second month better. And I’ve used this time more productively to really think, reflect, write and listen to what God had to say. And He has had quite a bit to say to me recently.
- I have to get out of God’s way: I am a control freak. I have said this many times before. And it’s something that I constantly have to submit to God. I want to know when and where and how and why everything is happening and what my job/role is in the midst of it all. For me to not have an answer is so foreign to me. But during this time, clearly I have no control over what happens. But it’s even deeper than that. See, this was going to be the year that I go on my first missions trip to South Africa. But, with that trip comes the need to raise funds. So I began reaching out to people, but honestly, I wasn’t very sure I would get donations. You could say my faith was fairly low, to the point where, after a month of fundraising, I had only raised $50. And I remember praying to God and saying “God, no one is donating. I don’t think I’ll make it to the trip.” And God responded “Who did you ask? You aren’t telling anyone. You are letting your fear of rejection and losing control get in the way of what I can do.” So I started to move out of my own way; I prayed daily for God to guide me to people to ask, how to ask, and not allow myself to get in God’s way. In less than two weeks, I saw nearly five times what I had seen in the month I stood in God’s way. Now, while my trip has been postponed to next year, the fact that God moved in such a mighty way the moment I stepped aside shows me, yet again, that often time I stand in my own way of what God can and will do for me.
- Healing isn’t just for the body, but the mind, heart and soul: When the year began, I believed that God had given me a word for the year to believe for and live by. That word was “Healing.” But I didn’t ask God what He meant by healing. I assumed that He meant just physical healing, that I would see miraculous healing take place. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have seen God perform miracles physically this year, especially with people I’ve known diagnosed with COVID-19 and doctors believed they were not going to make it. But I began to realize that healing isn’t just physical. This time has made me realize how much brokeness there is in the world around me: with finances, relationships, mental health, spiritual darkness and confusion, etc. But I wasn’t exempt from being broken in my own heart; there are places in me that still needed healing from pain that I thought I had given to God, but had really just hidden from Him and me (more so me, because God knew it was there and uprooted it during this time when I had no way to escape it). But because I have seen the brokeness in me and around me, I know how to pray to address it.
- It’s time to rise up: The other day, while I was praying, I kept hearing the phrase “rise up” repeated in my head. Over and over again, I kept hearing “rise up, rise up, rise up church, rise up man of God!” For awhile, I was unsure what that meant and honestly, I still can’t say I know 100% for sure. But what I do know right now is that I can’t be passive about a lot of things God has revealed to me during this time of stay-at-home orders. It’s time for me to step up. Again, I don’t know what that means or what that looks like, but the time has come for me to be obedient to what God has said and move forward.
As the world slowly tries to open back up and get out of their rooms, I’m continuing to pray to God about what I need to do next. I don’t believe that God had us in this time, slowing down or stopping, to go back to the same old daily routine. We have to change, we have to come out better. And for me, only He knows what that means for me. So I have to move out my way and allow Him to move.
Otherwise, I’ll be back to sitting in my room again.
The Book of James 